i remember the smell and sound of leaves falling all around me on Prospect St.

i remember shower drawings.

i remember work rooms and spray booths.

i remember that hot guy in furniture holding the door open for me as i ran up the stairs to 2-d class. what was his name again?

i remember bridges and the perverts under them.

i remember that giant bug on the highway.

i remember the providence city scape changing very quickly during the year i was away.

i remember a stack of watermelons in front of the museum.

i remember public safety.

i remember art sales.

i remember coffee exchange chai teas.

i remember those flashing lights from those giant towers on the river.

i remember finding malcolm grear's studio on a run.

I remember the blizzard of 05 and being snowed in during wintersession at 44 Hidden street. Sandy and I painted on a big sheet of some of Shara's extra MDF board.

I remember Chris being asleep for pretty much half of his life at 44 Hidden.

I remember listening to Mirah's "La Familia" and trying to understand how sex played into relationships, love and friends.

I remember when facebook first came out. I made an account to make fun of John. Then people started friending me and I got annoyed but didn't have the heart to "reject" them.

I remember spam fried rice.

I remember the squirrels scurrying in the ceiling at 44 Hidden. One day one of them came in through the hole in the ceiling in the kitchen. Vanessa was flipping out and shrieking hysterically, afraid it would bite her and maybe it had rabies.

I remember Gary our landlord. He talked so fast, no one could understand what he said.

I remember Will Reeves.

I remember seeing pretty girls in the street and not knowing how to talk to them.

I remember every time before opening the door to step out into the cold, holding my breath just a little.

I remember parties at the carriage house.

I remember the fries at the Red Fez.

I remember many late nights of playing FIFA with Nate and eating disgusting Domino's delivery.

I remember going over to Miyoung's at the end of a night of heavy drinking. We'd get McDonald's and fall asleep to Arrested Development. I'd wake up and stumble down Wickenden towards home like a mole out of his hole.

I remember the gigantic stick-shift U-Haul I drove at the end of freshman year. It was huge and scary to drive down hills. I thought I would destroy something. I remember stepping out of the truck at 55 Angell, my whole body shaking.

I remember getting used to the walk back to my room by myself from freshman studio classes, and the feeling settling in, "This is it. This is really it."

i remember the first winter in providence and going out with john, LA and elaine...maybe someone else...and slipping down the street on the ice - first falling on my knees and then on all fours, still sliding down towards a car crash...

i remember almost peeing myself after repeating "hey kid - i'm a computer".

i remember the terrible food court dinner for my 18th birthday.

i picked up smoking.

i remember John and I used to hop on a random bus in Kennedy Square during wintersession and get dropped off in a different town just to explore something farther than our bubble.

i remember Omelette giving birth to Fisher (aka Sock) on Mother's day...and how unprepared i was and how stupid it felt to be so ignorant.

i remember building my loft. sitting in the window frame smoking cigarettes, listening to Mirah...with and without Vanessa. i remember those obnoxious cheerleader sorority bitches across the street and throwing things at them one night.

i remember taking a walk with all the hidden housemates (aka super asian mafia) around Hope High School and swinging in the park. LA went into the trees and made elephant sounds by shaking the boughs.

i remember never wanting to call providence or RISD home, even if it was by accident.

i remember walking up the angell street hill at 2 AM and laying down right in the middle of it and thinking.

i remember section 9: adam and i begging debbie coolidge to let us make sleds, having to hear that our drawings looked like shit every time we were in al decredico's drawing class, not talking to miyoung at all for a while because she was a korean girl, steve's drawings, mat's drawings, and choi.

i remember sitting in the pit with adam, joe ng, and heidi. every time black eyed peas "where is the love" came on, joe would do the cutest dance.

i remember the first day of drawing class vividly. al decredico telling us we weren't doing any figure drawing; our collective disbelief; then feeling awkward because we weren't sure if we could leave; then nick mahshie trying to strike up a conversation with al as though they were buddies.

i remember turning around in british literature class and saying hi to nick for the first time.

i remember me and miyoung thinking sean dianni was so cute. i liked his sculptures for 3-d class.

i remember there was a time when i ate only yogurt and pita with hummus. i didn't know what hummus was before risd. jackie chi said it was mashed chick peas.

i remember struggling a lot and thinking too much.

i remember feeling like i would never be enough.

i remember being naive.

I remember being in Susan's basement apartment. She thought of something poetic, and found it very peculiar because she did not identify herself as poetic. It had something to do with thinking in a bathtub with wet hair sticking to her back.

I remember when Susan, Chris Kim, John Lee and I stayed up one night our freshman year. At sunrise, we climbed to the top of Prov Wash into the glass lookout. While eating ramen noodles, we watched the morning light soak all of Providence into day.

I remember watching the sunsets from the lower quad.

I remember spring, and how the trees would bloom with white flowers that smelled like fish.

I remember Gerry Immonen's strange and demanding endearments, and the white spittle that would collect at the corners of his old mouth when he would talk animatedly.

I remember Immonen not saying much at my final critique and instead just playing with my piece as if it were fluffy cloth. He handed it back to me with an approving nod.

I remember Cyrus Highsmith not saying much at my degree project final critique. He nodded with a hand on his chin.

I remember when Todd Moore's daughter died. She was our age.

I remember exhausting Friday drawing classes in Lazarek's class, and then after it ended, wanting to draw some more.

I remember when Bianca came back really tan from winter break... like REALLY tan.

I remember Johil's hilarious monotone voice.

I remember Cara's sarcasm.

I remember Alison Kleiman talking really fast.

I remember people staying in the Met for several hours straight and calling it MetOlympics.

I remember working late, coming to my room in Larned, heating up a hot pocket, and drinking Heinekens until I got woozy and fell asleep.

I remember accidentally locking myself out of my room in Larned and having to climb the fire escape up to my window. A few minutes later, I was in the shower when Public Safety knocked on the bathroom door asking if it was me who had climbed in through the window because neighbors had seen someone climbing in through a window in Larned. They said not to do it again.

I remember when Elliot Earls came to our 7th floor studio "party." I was wearing my tigger costume, completely plastered, and couldn't stop jumping around.

i remember spending taking apart the lockers in the ID building with jessica kam, some scheme to hide from public safety. 1 hour later, we had 1 hours less work done, but determined that both of us could in fact comfortably sit inside an ID locker. we laughed our heads off.

i remember always sleeping on the nasty sofa on the 5th floor. i got woken up every time at 6am by the cleaning ladies, and they always felt bad and apologized for waking me up.

i remember going home from freshman studios at 5pm, and it being completely dark outside. i'd go back to my room, curl up and fall asleep until the next morning.

i remember sleeping a lot sometimes and not at all other times.

i remember looking outside my window of east4 and seeing snow fall for the first time. i was awe-struck.

i remember a few days later, walking through the nasty slushy car tire dirt snow in the streets and hating it with a passion.

i remember walking down college street in a torrential rainstorm with my flip flops. i'm surprised i hydroplane in the river that was the sidewalk.

i remember a lot of weather.

i remember Seekonk and Stop n Shop.

I remember going to that liquor store in Seekonk a lot, especially before parties.

I remember driving in the cold cloudy gray so many times.

I remember bad sleep cycles and waking up at 6:45 and not being able to tell if it was morning or evening. It was just gray.

I remember the girls in my studio falling asleep on top of the covered radiators, and waking up to burns.

I remember during freshman orientation there was some stupid icebreaker that involved people jumping and stomping around. I was wearing flip flops, and a huge guy stepped on my foot and ripped off half of my big toenail. I didn't cry until I got back to the dorms realized how alone I was. I showered with a plastic bag over my toe the next couple of days.

I remember there was a girl who picked her pimples in the common bathroom. I thought she was mean. She thought I was a churchie. A couple years later, we were as close as sisters.

I remember hiding from public safety with my friends in studio. We wanted to keep working but it was after hours. We hit the lights and dove. We must have looked stupid crouching on the ground and holding our breaths as the officer opened the doors to our room.

I remember daydreaming of life after RISD.

I remember my bedroom in 44 hidden. The green paint on the walls was by Behr, and it was called "rejuvenation".

I remember my $99 dollar twin mattress, the low plywood platform it sat on top of, and the low slant of the ceiling directly above it. Lying in that bed felt like being in a cave. I spent a lot of time there.

I remember lying in that bed, staring at the view of Hope High School outside my window, and not understanding what I was feeling.

I remember the yellow sheet I used as a curtain, and the way the sun was always soft against it.

I remember Puppy and Omelette.

I remember the look of Sandy's face when she held Omelette's newborn kitten in her hands. I've never seen a face so open and vulnerable since then.

I remember my beloved, pink, wingback chair.

i remember feeling alone and missing home.
i remember i cried on the hill at the RISD farm during orientation break...and riding back on the last bus. i remember i hated the bonfire with the man and his drum obnoxiously yelling into his wireless mic.

i remember the pit - sticky seats, crumb scattered tables, weird coffee machine with little packets of your choice favored coffee that still managed to taste terrible. i remember the alley side entrance.

i remember walking was the best remedy and solution to every problem.
i remember walking late to class cos 44 hidden was so damn far away. i remember trying to figure out a good way to ask john or LA for a ride.
i remember shara peeing on herself a little! hahahaha!!! loved it.
i remember LA and i getting high, sitting in the dark living room - LA playing a little R&B lick on the guitar, me dancing slowly in an R&B way.
i remember eating the nastiest shit then.
i remember playing CS.
i remember dancing with reckless abandon at our awesome parties. kissing boys and running away. then i found a girl to kiss for a while...for a good 3 years.

i remember never going to a RISD dance.

i remember how i made a home in providence with great friends.

i remember watching the sunrise too many times.

i remember procrastinating and regret.
i remember cheating.
i remember lovers.
i remember fall.

I remember Andrew Cooper peeing on his drawing in the corner during Diane Hoffman's class.

I remember the first big snow fight freshman year on Nick Green and seeing Vanessa and Nick chasing each other and tackling each other.

I remember when my girlfriend at the time came to visit during the snow storm and it was so cold. We made out at the top of the stairs of the Waterman building and our hands and faces got so hot.

I remember walking early morning in the snow when it was completely quiet with headphones on and everything was white. I turned a corner and looked down College Street as my headphones went, "He had a stroke at the age of twenty-four..." It felt like a movie.

I remember thinking life felt like a movie a lot of times.

I remember having constant diarrhea for a week during wintersession and couldn't eat anything. John said I looked like I had cancer.

I remember Preston farted a lot.

I remember Preston and I would bond over bowls of LIFE cereal and playing round after round of Worms Armageddon.

I remember Hammett Nurosi would always say "pacific" instead of "specific."

I remember some of us in the class wanted to raise our hands every time he said "pacific."

I remember Hans could never say Nate's name right. It sounded like he was saying "gnat."

I remember Danielle told me Hans slapped her in the ass once.

I remember the student deal at Pazzo.

I remember thinking Tom Wedell had wide child-bearing hips.

I remember meeting Miyoung for the first time at the first lecture for Type 1. I couldn't find a seat and just sat right next to her. We started talking as if we'd known each other all along.

I remember Mairead Byrne and the way she said "em" instead of "um".

I remember her pale skin and how she wore tight shirts even though she was "old".

I remember when I cried in front of the department head, John Dunnigan, because I was freaking out about my degree project.

I remember the faded tattoo on Udvardy's wrinkly wrist peaking out from under his conservative shirt cuff. I wondered what kind of young man he used to be.

I remember hating Eleanor Lazarek.

I remember thanking Eleanor Lazarek.

I remember Wendy Walters and how she always advised me in my writing: "show, don't tell".

I remember falling asleep in the auditorium to the warm droning of a lecture and the flickering light of slides through my eyelids.

I remember Kai's running tab he had with me for whenever I'd go out to pick up some energy drinks or something from Starbucks. It added up.

I remember Kai introducing me to green tea lattes.

I remember Kai looking like hell after what looked like a couple of days straight in studio.

I remember Nate looking like hell after a few days with no sleep. We were going down the elevator on our way to Graphic Design History in the morning. I was trying to relate it to some story about Ultra-Runners or something. But it basically ended by telling Nate he looked like shit.

I remember Postal Service leaking out from under every door in the quad.

I remember going to the mall after weeks in the studio and noticing how strange normal people seemed.

I remember how weird I thought it was that Providence Place Mall was carpeted.

I remember the first day it rained. I got dressed in my mom's vintage cobalt blue down jacket. When I got outside it was hot and humid. I didn't understand.

I remember the aged smell of the nature lab, and checking out delicate boxes lined with foil.

I remember stealing magazines up the back exit from the RISD Store.

I remember the old cafeteria guy that I would chat with whenever I ordered a grilled chicken with cheese at the back of the Met.

I remember the territorial quad.

I remember climbing up the stairs to the quad after studio and smiling when I saw friends laughing.

I remember wasting so much time sitting in the quad smoking cigarettes.

I remember waltzing on the quad with Cassidy.

I remember when Abbott jumped on my roommate Keiko's bed to sit down. He didn't know she was in it. She was pissed.

I remember when we had a party in the dorms on East 4. We later told RA's that disrespectful people took advantage of the room bc they know it was unlocked, partied there, and left. They believed us. I offered them cheese from our beer pong table.

I remember the charcoal black residue that seeped into my pores and never seemed to escape.

I remember when I fell in love the night of the Artist's Ball. It was a dark night. Neon pink streaks lit my way.

I remember drunken snow fights on walks back to the dorm from parties in the winter. So numb, we didn't feel the cold.

I remember setting an alarm at 9:30 pm for lazy days during wintersession so we could make it to Spiritus before it closed.

I remember giant garbage cookies from Meeting Street.

I remember Long Island Iced Teas at Viva.

I remember when Shaun Modi was in my foundation class second semester, and a gang of 5 of us shot down every project of his in crit. Especially his slave ship installation.

I remember when Keiko showed up drunk in the wee hours of the morning with a hookah that she stole from a Brown frat.

I remember how easy Liberal Arts classes were.

I remember how Lisa would fall asleep on my shoulder during every English class.

I remember we watched Fight Club for some narrative class. I was so high. When The Pixies "Where is My Mind" dropped with the credits, I teared up with happiness and nostalgia.

I remember how hard it was to check the box of my future major.

I remember when I heard about the Jolly Roger opening, realizing where the cheesy name came from and thinking what the fuck?

I remember actually liking the Jolly Roger.

I remember that big blonde woman at the met with the small eyes and perpetually flushed cheeks. I remember her telling me that she was pregnant, but after a year I still couldn't tell if she had the baby or not, because she was so big. Maybe she miscarried.

I remember Shiela and her cesarean section scar.

I remember slipping on ice and sliding half way down Planet street, arm in arm with Marie Yi.

I remember the smell of warm wood shavings on my first day as a furniture major.

I remember the ding of the elevator in Prov Wash, floating down the hall.

i remember

the lady at the met knew my name and that was scary.

quahogs that i'd fought all day for, steaming them open over a grill kept alive with regular pours of lighter fluid. in the end the quahogs tasting like lighter fluid.

shlitz from across the street, $2.50 and tasting like soap.

curvy hippie girls with ball jars as coffee mugs, golden morning sun in their bed-hair, catching the trolley during wintersession.

rice's ass, getting that angle where it was just his ass, having to draw it for two minutes.

homestay mom's brittile skin, the ceaseless tick tick tick of her lighting up again at the stove, that lone metal plug in her mouth when she didn't wear her dentures.

basta basta basta, bomba bomba bomba! homestay dad, emphatically miming american bombs: his good hand tugging the air, pounding the table, then round fingers opening like a flower.

african prostitutes in sicily, dispersing at the sight of a cop car.

I think I remember wearing Shara's black bra over my costume during the first pillow fight sesh. And long yellow tube socks over my arms.

I remember running every morning and waving "hello" to the crossing guard lady every time I passed by her on my route. I figured we'd get used to this and become morning routine buddies, and we'd share a "hello" wave and a smile, or maybe even a "how are you?" or a "have a good one!" or a "boy, it's getting cold now isn't it?" She never smiled back.

I remember the grilled cheese sandwiches w/tomato from The Pitt
I remember apple rounds
I remember the coffee at carr haus being too dark
I remember the corn hash for breakfast at The Met
I remember feeling like I could eat Josephines everyday
I remember wanting to puke everytime I ate Johnny Rockets
I remember Checker's potato pizza... mmmm
I remember the buy one get one half off at Cilantro's
I remember that eating at McDonald's was a treat
I remember that eating at Chilango's was a double treat
I remember eating a lot.

I remember being 18 at "the farm" and holding hands with LA Hall and Adam Chang while balancing on a log. Our palms were sweaty. I wanted to fall in love with both of them.

I remember my first fight sesh and filling the street with a buzz of costumes in front of the old book store on Thayer. I felt alone.

I remember the dark tunnel in between homer and nickerson hall where Rob puked all over himself freshman year. That was the first time I'd heard anyone puke so much in one go. I took care of him and he didn't remember.

I remember the temple, going to the top, and Mat staring at me through his special camera before taking the picture.

I remember getting high for the first time in LA's room with the blue floor. Elaine couldn't stop coughing.

I remember putting a pad in my underwear while jittery and high because I didn't want to pee in my pants from laughing again.

I remember the smell of 44 hidden the morning after a party, mixed with the winter air leaking in through old windows.

I remember the satisfaction of scrubbing beer off the hardwood floor, wiping it clean, and being able to walk barefoot again.

I remember my regrets with boys.

I remember POP!

I remember the final stretch, waking up at 5am, walking out onto the downtown streets, feeling that cool damp morning air, and heading to dunkin' donuts for hot coffee because nothing else was open.

I remember the taste of carr haus coffee with an extra shot of espresso at 9pm.

I remember the bums hanging out at Kennedy Plaza and their Rhode Island accents.

I remember shopping at Providence Place to escape everything.

I remember for Making Meaning, Jeff Baghai jumping over a table and lunging at me, almost slamming me against the wall - all while I had my video camera pointed straight at his face.

I remember losing a video camera that we had checked out for that project and Renee getting shit for it from that asshole at the AMC.

I remember Esther ignoring our emails and not helping pay for the lost camera.

I remember not understanding anything Jung said.

I remember fluffy waffles for Saturday brunch in our tiny attic apartment.

I remember smoke breaks in the girls' bathroom.

I remember and really miss places like Coffee Exchange, Amy's Place, Louie's, and Brickway. Everything in the suburbs is too contrived and doesn't have enough character.

I remember Yuyeon's yarn pig.

I remember blasting TV on the Radio at 4 in the morning.

I remember hiding from Public Safety on the roof of 15 West the week before becoming an RA.

I remember so many times stepping out at night and cursing at the cold. Shuffling toward Kennedy Plaza, the 7-11 for a pack of Camel Silvers, or a Red Bull, or a Rockstar, or that little blue bottled agave energy drink, or horrible little taquitos, or a hot dog.

I remember Vasily loved 7-11 hot dogs. and chicken.

I remember stumbling in the street well past midnight with other masses of debauchery ablur, the pavement a gray smear in front of me.

I remember cobblestone and brick. The hunched shoulders of the cold and the yellow light of late night lamp posts. Passing other strangers in the night.

I remember not remembering and having friends tell me what I did.

I remember waking up fully clothed in my own bed with sore calves, and trying to figure out how the hell I got back there.

I remember getting to studio on many early crisp Saturday mornings before anyone else got there, so I'd be all by myself. I would stare out the window at Prov-Wash before finally getting to work.

I remember talking to girlfriends, my parents, exes, high school friends on the phone while pacing around in the back room of the 7th floor studio. Or sitting by the window and staring down at the traffic on North Main.